Posted by maedel in „Mein Autismus“; Saturday, Jan 24, 2015
„Mom, why didn’t you turn on the dishwasher? Now everything is still dirty,“
my son says, and I must abstain hard from freaking out. „Short break“, I shout before I get up from the dinner table, rush out of the room, and the door closes behind me crashing.
I’m somewhere between angry, shocked, and sad. Somewhere there, I think, you can classify the feeling. I do not know exactly.
That is just the climax! With all the self-reproach that I cannot much get done here like I normally know it from myself. With all the efforts I still have to expend.
So incapable as I feel, so overwhelmed and with all the thoughts that were lately in my head.
Ouch, that hurts quite hard.
On the one hand he is somehow right, I have not accomplished it, had simply forgotten that. Somewhere between the basic cleaning of two rooms, 5 to 7 loads of laundry and the daily madness, at least to guarantee a certain level of cleanliness, while at the same time I supervise the children and support the Big one with his homework.
Yes, I have forgotten that.
Nevertheless that has hit me because I really made an effort today, and it was not easy.
Strained, if one might believe my head that currently feels less than such, but more like something between hammer drill and circular saw.
My Big one has a dust mite allergy, and for far too long I’ve criminally neglected his room above. Actually, the entire section up there, because some activities usually depend from one another.
For wiping up there, all the rooms normally first must be cleaned up, then dust and dirt can be wiped away.
In my eyes, purely in logic, it makes little sense otherwise, as otherwise the dirt from the adjacent rooms is merely carried into the clean rooms.
Only then can I sweep the floors and wipe.
In this way I usually work my way from top to bottom.
Otherwise I panic, since also from below, from the living quarters, or even worse, from the basement, dirt can be carried upstairs.
This is exactly what for a 6-person household with 170sqm of living space becomes my doom. And that is where I think lies my main problem.
I only see the mountain of work in addition to the daily operations, and literally freeze.
I stand still, even after about 6 months, I’m still not arrived, run aimlessly, because I have no idea where to start, even in daily business.
How often I was inwardly trembling and crying in front of the kitchen counter while preparing supper. Overwhelmed with the fact that I’ve just finished the dryer and I now actually have to fold up the laundry quickly. But above all, I should start the new laundry now, so it is not finished so late.
How often I stood still at half past 12 below and put laundry together. Tired to death and knowing that I have to get out again in the morning at 5 o’clock.
And that makes me angry. Angry about my inability to simply to clean my son’s room, like for example my roommate just does, because his son is also allergic to dust mites.
Angry because I have so much business that I have to leave other important things while other persons seemingly accomplish it with ease.
Angry, supposedly about others because they find it much easier than I, because they can better set priorities.
So angry.
And eventually realizing that I really should just ask for help. Just once would have to say that I can not do it, or „let’s do it together“.
„Might you now prepare the supper,“ would be so simple and certainly better than anything and yelling at anyone who crosses my path.
Above all, recognizing the fact that it is just not feasible to clean everything at once and that you can sometimes leave daily business simply daily business.
Nevertheless, recognizing is not the same as implementing. My usual processes are still too much fixed.
But at least I have identified the problem now.
innerwelt 
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